Okay, let me set the table for you: I'm a big fan of Subway's turkey sub on flatbread. Toasted, American cheese, little bit of honey mustard, mmmm. Delish.
The problem arises when I order lettuce.
Those who know me are well aware of how much distance I generally keep between myself and vegetables. If you want me to eat greens, you'd better be talking M&Ms, Jell-O, or Shamrock Shakes. But in the case of the turkey sub on flatbread, toasted, American cheese and a little bit of honey mustard, I make an exception. I like a little bit of lettuce. I feel like it enhances the flavor. So when the sub comes out of the oven and arrives next to the veggie display, I always ask for a little bit of lettuce.
FOOM. What's foom? Foom is the sound of the Subway employee sticking his or her arm into the lettuce container up to the elbow and extracting the equivalent of 17 heads of lettuce. Which they then dump on my up-until-that-moment beautiful sub. Now I no longer have a turkey sub on flatbread with American cheese and honey mustard. I have a lettuce sub with a little bit of turkey, American cheese, and honey mustard.
For the record, I've tried variations on the phrase "a little bit of lettuce." I've tried a tiny bit of lettuce, just a hint of lettuce, a wee bit of lettuce, a small amount of lettuce, not too much lettuce, a slight amount of lettuce ... it makes no difference. FOOM.
There's one guy who shoves his hand in the lettuce preemptively, assuming that I'm going to want it. And when I order a little bit of lettuce, he empties the entire container on my sub and then calls to the guy in the back to bring him more lettuce, which he then dumps on my sub. He builds Mount Everest out of lettuce. And then he looks at me innocently and says, "That enough?"
And the thing about lettuce is that they can add to the lettuce, but never subtract. Once the lettuce is committed to the sub, that is some non-refundable fucking lettuce.
On a few occasions I've eschewed the lettuce entirely, which, since I don't order any other vegetables, makes the Subway employees look at me like I'm a Communist. Or from Saturn. And also, that makes me feel like I'm caving. And I don't want to cave. I just want a little goddamned lettuce. Is that so wrong?
If anyone has any advice, or knows the secret code word to say to actually get a little lettuce when you only want a little lettuce, I am all ears. Until then ... FOOM.