FAT GUY PANTS

I've struggled with my weight my entire life. I hate when I get fat, but I have these awful cycles where I'll just regard the treadmill as a piece of modern art in a museum — to be looked at and admired, but never touched — and plop down on the couch with a bag of Reese's whatevers.

So I know the entire spectrum of waist sizes of the pants you'll find in a store like Target or Kohl's. They start at 30 (as in 30 inches around your waist, you skinny prick) and go up to either 40 or 42, depending on how far they're willing to go to satisfy customers.

But 42 is the absolute upper limit, baby. If you need 44 or above, Wal-Mart can't help you. You're off to Jerry's Big & Tall shop.

Now, knock wood, I've always been able to get a handle on my weight before needing to go beyond 42s. I've had a couple of close calls, but I never crossed over.

Here's the thing, though: Imagine going into Jerry's Big & Tall and telling them you need size 44 pants? You'd be the skinniest guy in the joint! All the size 56 guys would be looking at you with genuine envy.

I'm not suggesting you try this — that is to say, bulking up to the point where you need 44s just so you can oddly feel skinny again — but keep in mind that no matter how big you get, there's always someone bigger who would give almost anything to be the size you are.

And Jerry, of Jerry's Big & Tall shop, will never, ever judge you.